♈ Aries (March 21 - April 19):

Today, you’re ditching the resolution to “be patient.” Let’s face it: waiting in line or tolerating slow texters is not your thing. Lean into your impulse buys and TikTok rabbit holes. Your energy is iconic—no need to waste it on people who say, “I’ll let you know.”

♉ Taurus (April 20 - May 20):

Taurus, the resolution to “save money” is crumbling faster than your DoorDash budget. Treat yourself to that overpriced latte because the universe knows you deserve it. Life’s too short for instant coffee and regrets.

♊ Gemini (May 21 - June 20):

Gemini, you promised to “stay off social media” after midnight, but here you are scrolling and thriving. The FBI agent watching your late-night Reddit deep dives is entertained, so keep up the chaotic genius vibes.

♋ Cancer (June 21 - July 22):

You tried to “stop overthinking,” but then you overthought about how to stop overthinking. Cancer, ditch that resolution and embrace your therapist. Your ability to spiral into 20 different scenarios is your secret weapon.

♌ Leo (July 23 - August 22):

Leo, the resolution to “be more humble” was never going to stick. The world needs your selfies and main character energy. Post that thirst trap and let the compliments roll in. You’re basically doing charity work.

♍ Virgo (August 23 - September 22):

Virgo, you resolved to “relax more,” but we both know you’d rather color-code everything in your house. Today, ditch the guilt and embrace your perfectionist tendencies. Organized chaos is still organized.

♎ Libra (September 23 - October 22):

Libra, you swore to “stop being indecisive,” but here you are agonizing over which Snapchat filter to use. Skip the decision-making stress—flip a coin and call it “fate.” Either way, you’re still a vibe.

♏ Scorpio (October 23 - November 21):

Scorpio, you said you’d “let things go,” but you’re still plotting revenge on that one person who ghosted you in 2021. Channel your passion into binge-watching true crime shows instead—less jail time, same energy.

♐ Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21):

You tried to “settle down” this year, but your spontaneous nature just booked a trip to Bali. Ditch that resolution and embrace your adventure. Life’s about the journey, not sticking to a budget.

♑ Capricorn (December 22 - January 19):

Capricorn, you vowed to “work less and relax more,” but we all know you’re already Googling “how to turn hobbies into side hustles.” Go ahead, grind queen/king—your future yacht isn’t going to pay for itself.

♒ Aquarius (January 20 - February 18):

Aquarius, you promised to “be more social,” but ghosting plans to stay in bed with your thoughts feels right. Today, ditch the FOMO and enjoy your main character moment with a cup of overpriced coffee.

♓ Pisces (February 19 - March 20):

Pisces, you resolved to “be realistic,” but manifesting unrealistic daydreams is your brand. Keep fantasizing about becoming a minimalist while hoarding candles and crystals. It’s called balance, babe.

Johnjay And Rich